Singing (loudly) Anyway

I rediscovered a favourite way of regrouping: turning up the radio in my car and singing at the top of my lungs and sometimes --if the music moves me to do so, bust a move or two.

It clears my head.

Yesterday I needed some good head clearing, so I had a slightly embarrassing session of yelling the lyrics to some 80's song. I don't even remember which song it was, and likely couldn't remember half the lyrics, but dang, it felt supah good.

Why hang your head, when you can let your hair down and shake it?!

Just a rhetoric question (I think I know the answer to it): Why do hurting people hurt people? I won't deny my own guilt (having been no stranger to pain, myself), but when I was ready to wave the white flag, the hammer got dropped on my foot. I hate being misunderstood, and accused for things that I never had a chance to do or not do.

Bottom line: Regardless of how long I was married and whatever struggles we had, we had a life planned together. We loved each other deeply. His heart weighed a solid 490g and he gave it to me on May 14, 2005. We vowed to follow each other to the ends of the earth. That just happened to be sooner than we had expected. I don't care anymore whether my in-laws supported the marriage or not (apparently they didn't), and I won't try to defend myself any longer. I give up. And I pray God's blessings on them. And I offer nothing but forgiveness.

Romans 12:14-21
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"^[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."^[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Now, all of that aside. I am going over to my stereo to gonna bust several moves and raise my voice:

POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME.....!!!!! C'mon fire me up!!!!

Suggestions Schmuggeschtions...

So Gmail is a web-based email provider that you can only have if you get an invitation from a current user. Quite elite, eh? So I am a member of the unlimited sized inbox club, which means that I never have to clean up my inbox. It's kind of like my closet.

Anyways, I am introducing Gmail (TA-DAH!) to explain a feature that daily baffles me. It picks up on certain words in my emails, and using a suggestive advertising marketing approach (see? I am learning stuff) it lists some web site suggestions. I get most of these-- they make sense... but SOME... seriously? What have I been SAYING?

These ones I get:

Dragon Boat Net - www.dragonboatnet.com - The ultimate web site for paddlers New Movie: When the Dragons sleep DUH.

Hawaii Airfares Sale - www.CheapoAir.com - Very Cheap Tickets to Hawaii Save 65% on Next Trip, All Airlines If you know that I went to Maui on my last vacation, then this one makes sense.

Sofa Slipcovers - www.TheSofaSite.com - Free Sofa Slipcovers info Find what you're looking for!
Not sure about which email this one came from, but I am a furniture geek.

Baby Gender: Boy or Girl? - www.choosethesexofyourbaby.com - Conceive a Baby Boy or Girl at Will in 3 Simple Steps with 94% Accuracy I have pregnant friends, OK?

Red Lion Hotel - www.redlion.com - Don't Miss This Red Hot Deal! Stay At Red Lion Hotel & get 15% off! My FAVOURITE US hotel chain. They have Bath and Body Works toiletries!!!

Apple pie recipe - www.canadianliving.com/recipes - Tested Till Perfect recipes Fast, easy and delicious! Angela, you will understand this one. We like apple pie, don't we?

These ones, I really don't get:

Photos: That's in my Gut? - www.BlessedHerbs.com - This site guarantees to remove really gross stuff from your gut. I only eat pretty stuff. Right.

Blackheads Removal Guide - Blackheads-Removal-Guide-web.com - Get Rid of Blackheads and Have Shiny Healthy Skin OK, OK, my skin isn't as clear as it could be... Let's not make a big deal about it. (Maybe it is from the stuff that is or isn't in my gut?)

www.DateACougar.com - Female Cougars On The Prowl. 100% Free. Join Now
Mm-hm.

www.peterpotty.com - The only flushable toddler urinal. Easiest way to train boys!
This one and the one above wouldn't have anything to do with the little boy who feeds me brownies, would it?

Funny Redhead Tee Shirts - www.realmofredheads.com/store - Funny, sassy t-shirts for redheads. Cool unique gift for any redhead. Hello! Cute brunette, here.

The Answer For Tall Girls - www.longlegs.ca - In Style Fashions For Tall Women The Latest Trends In Longer Lengths *Ahem* Cute, short, brunette.

Debbie Does Dalls tees - 80sTees.com - Check out great tees from classic Debbie Does Dallas!
No idea.

Free Fart Videos - AmazingFartVideos.com - 10 Farts That Shook The World Captured On Video! Really. Haven't a clue. (Krista, shush)

Update 01/18/08:

Dangerous Kissing Tips - DoubleYourDating.com - Powerful Kissing Tips To Make Him/Her Melt In Your Mouth & In Your Hands! I LOVE THIS ONE!!! Watch out!!!

Kissing the Boys and Making them Cry

Now that I am back in school, I am back to procrastinating doing my homework. I have some marketing reading to do, and some accounting to hit myself over the head with. Why, oh why, does it not BALANCE???

I have to tell you about the cute guy I met! He is blond, has blue eyes, is about 2 and a half feet tall, and at the ripe age of three. His name is Kade and he is my friend's youngest son. We really bonded in the summer at Ambleside, and I didn't realise how much of an impression I made on him, until I went over to his place for a game's night and he sat down beside me, put his arm around me, and said, "I missed you, you know!". He makes such a great date! He fed me his brownie, and gave me a kiss goodnight-- boys, take notes. Apparently, after I left, he cried. I have asked his parents if I can take him out on dates, and they (happy to get the kid off their hands for a few hours) agreed.

I am pleased to be his first crush! This little guy will break many hearts once he gets over the fact that I have a boyfriend. :-)

New Years Goals: She shoots! She....

This is the year that Karen loses 30 lbs. And apparently talks about herself in the third person. So there. I said it. You can all hold me to it, and I can tell you my excuses of why I am not there yet. To actually help me stay accountable, I have a contest going with a couple of friends. Every time we lose a pound we drop a loonie into the jar and whoever has the highest percentage of weight loss after *blank* amount of time wins the pot. Starting Monday.

So yesterday I decided that my first shopping of the new year should reflect my resolve. So I filled my basket with fruits and vegetables. And soy milk. And two bars of dark chocolate. Hey, I need a reward. I found these little mini rice cakes with a little chocolate drizzled on it that would make great little snacks. AND it said in BIG. BOLD. LETTERS. that they are only 90 calories each little bag! Suffice it to say that this morning when I went to grab a snack, I noticed that there was only one left. Out of the 6 that were in the box. But they are only 90 calories each right?

I don't like to set resolutions... no one keeps them longer than a week, and it is unmeasureable. Immeasureable? Whatever. Gyms get their most business in January, so I don't really want to go to one until February when most people have broken their resolutions and are lamenting at home with a bucket of Ben and Jerry's. Or Light Ice Cream. Or 6 90 calorie bags of mini chocolate drizzled rice cakes.

I think goals set more of a target to shoot for. Like I want to read more. I want to get A's and B's in my classes-- oof! I want to drink 8 glasses of water a day-- so back to having a post-it by my monitor to count the glasses of water I drink. We know about the 30 lbs.... I should probably weigh myself sometime soon, but I don't keep a scale in my house. For obvious reasons. It is a household hazard. I used to always stub my toe on it. And my excersize ball! Don't get me started!

Most importantly, I want to get my life right with God. He gave me life-- twice. I owe him more than I can give him. This year I have been doing my own thing and it clearly hasn't sit right with me given my last few really deep and thoughtful posts.... So here we go!

Merry Christmas from the geek in me to the geek in you!

(You can find more geeky stuff here)

Promises and Memories

Willow tree figurines have been special to me from the moment I first saw them, and now they are even more precious.

I started collecting them when I first met my husband. He got me the "Together" figurine for my birthday and proposed to me later that year. My family started to catch on that I liked Willow Tree so I started getting and giving the angels as gifts.

For our first Christmas after we were married, Dave gave me the first installment to my nativity set (the leading roles of the Christmas story) with the promise that each year he would add to it until I had the whole Nativity collection. We never had a second Christmas together. In September of 2005 we were in a car accident together and he didn't make it. We were moving up to Fort St. John where he had started a new job and had been working for the two and a half months prior. I stayed behind to pack up our place and get things ready for the move and he came down a couple days before the moving day. When he arrived, he presented me with a final Willow Tree figurine called "Promise". Two days later, my life changed. I hold on the promises he gave me. Promises that he will never leave me, that he will go to the ends of the earth for me, and that he will always take care of me. In such a way, God makes us promises as a husband just as He is a Father, King, Friend, Comforter....

Nothing is the same as it once was. Nothing except the promises and the memories. I often wonder what he would think of all that has happened over the last year. To some things, he would be shocked and appalled. To other things he would simply be saddened that he can't fix them. But I hope that if he were to see me, and how I have managed through it all, he would be proud. He would rejoice over the strengthened relationships with my family. He would remind me of the choice that he made when he married me while other people have forgotten them.

I just opened up my box of Christmas decorations for the first time since the accident (everything was in storage last year while I recovered), and I was flooded with memories. Christmas does that. Every year, I still try to find the Christmas tree farm with the Winnie-the-Pooh house where we went as kids. I watch "A Christmas Story", "The Snowman", "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas", and occasionally the animated "Rudolph". Come to think of it, TV holds far too many memories of Christmas that it should! I remember how on our first Christmas together we made such a huge breakfast that we invited our landlords to come and help us eat it, and there were still leftovers and other baked goodies that I made! I had bought a Christmas tree that year from the back of some guy's truck in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It was the perfect size, but for reasons that may have been obvious had we checked (like the tree was sitting flush in the stand) the tree was as dry and as brittle as Dennis Rodman's hair. A fire hazard for sure. Dave chopped it up for tinder with his circular saw.

In the box of Christmas ornaments, there was the "First Christmas Together" ornament with our engagement picture that was given to us by my mother, a piece of that first Christmas tree with the year 2005 written on it, but most poignant was my nativity set. I hope to keep adding to it as the years go on because it isn't just memories that I am holding on to; I am holding on to the promise that my life is not yet fulfilled and to every other promise God has for my life. There is more yet to come.

Thank you all for being a part of past, present, and future chapters of my life.

Fear of Missing Something

Sometimes the things that at first seem to be the most benign, can turn out to be the antonym. And like a cancer it grows and it never just hurts the one with the problem. We make excuses, we justify, we ignore it, but soon (and what better time than now) it becomes unavoidable.

Sunday, I went to my old church in Edmonton. Pastor D delivered a message that angered me. I wished that I hadn't heard it not because I didn't agree with it, but because I did. It was about integrity, and how we live out what we believe so that we can live in the world, but not of it. I tried to ignore it, and the truth is that once one is reminded of what they believe, the lessons get tougher the more it is ignored. And now the pieces fall.

I am trying to understand who I am and who I have become. When the reset button was pressed and nothing was the same, I started building haphazardly and blindly. I forgot about the cornerstones and the blueprints. Now as I stand back, I don't recognize what I built and structurally it is not sound. It is hurting people as things fall.

Near death can make one feel invincible-- I have wanted to live carefree and escape the darkness of the fallout from the tragedy. So I have been running, making it look like dancing with a smile on my face and ignoring until my carefree turned into careless.

What now? In the wake of my errors, I can be thankful that I have been learned. I may not be able to fix or get back what I have lost, but I have a knowledge in my custody with which I must do something. And wisdom is what one does with knowledge. I am aware, and forbid that I miss this lesson.