Happy Birthday, Dave.

I miss you.

"Well, life on the farm is kinda laid back..."

I just returned from the land of "Simpsons" skies and Saskatoon berry pies. Oh, how I love going back to my genealogical roots! One would think that a girl who was raised amongst traffic jams would feel so out of place on a rural farm with home made jams, but home is where the food is.

I was visiting my old college buddy Bonnie, and stayed with her, her fiance, and his family on their farm. With nine mouths to feed, I was impressed by how effortlessly everyone was fed until we all rolled home on Monday vowing to return to our diets. Meals went like this: The men shovelled manure outside, and the women congregated in the kitchen picking up various tasks to efficiently assemble the consumable goods. I was pleased that I had the opportunity to contribute by making a gravy for the Sunday night turkey supper. I loved being a part of this "tradition", and my heart was at peace with the fellowship and camaraderie in that kitchen.

Saturday was a wedding planning day, so Bonnie, her mom, and I drove around to four dress shops to discover that they were all closed the WHOLE weekend because Monday was a holiday! Our last stop was the only bridal store in Saskatoon making money that weekend, and Bonnie fell in love-- again. I had to choke back and conceal a tear that formed at my eye when I saw her in her dress. After meeting Pat at their engagement party, I can honestly say that she has chosen well on both counts.

The mineral spa in Watrous has "golden" waters. At least that is what they call it so that we don't feel so bad for spending $12.75 to brine in a murky, salty pool for a few hours. The salt in the water gives a weightless buoyancy and it is a challenge to try to sink. Of course, that would mean risking putting one's head in the water, and I was getting enough of a taste as it was. The minerals in the water are said to benefit the skin, nervous system, and lymphatic system. Primarily the skin. Which means that it gently exfoliates the skin. While relaxing in the water. What happens to the skin? You betcha. Like a filmy layer on top of gravy. I was reminded of this as I was fixing the gravy for that night's supper. I may have lost a lot of dead skin, but I may have gained it back proportionately. Here is a link to the website, and there are some pictures that make the water appear less than "golden": http://www.manitousprings.ca/. It DOES look "golden"... like Grey Poupon. Pardon me....

We stopped at a few of the fields to inspect the canola crops for worms. I got to taste a ripe pod of canola (tastes oily) and a green pod (tastes like greasy peas). I asked about the "yield" and apparently I sounded more like a city girl. So I asked if Pat used "genetically modified canola seed, that was genetically modified for controlling the weeds and for big old yields and margarine oil".... He did. There were wheat fields, flax fields, and barley fields all around and it was so beautiful. I considered how I would re-invent Settlers of Cataan. It would include Alpacas (of course) with whom I made acquaintance at Bonnie's mom's, and cows (from Pat and Bonnie's pasture). Oh, the cows. Holy cow, they like to poop. They were making me giggle and blush and look away because when one stopped pooping, another started. I never said that I was a farm girl, but I like that the Alpacas poop in one spot and they seem to have better control of their bodily functions.

As my plane rose above the fluffy clouds (Okay, I will be honest, it was raining on Monday...) I dreamt of one day day getting my acreage-- not necessarily a farm. I would raise Alpacas (of course), have my own sustainable vegetable garden, grow a big 'punkin patch, and farm Christmas trees. Okay, well farming Christmas trees is not much like farming cows and canola.
Hopefully I can return again before the wedding next year but for now, I will miss the golden fields, "golden" waters, and golden friendships in Saskatchewan.

Uh-Oh...

I just shattered a Corell plate at work. Aren't those supposed to be unbreakable?

It is an alarming trend.

I have put together a list of things that I need:

- A pocket-sized broom
- A plastic set of dishes
- Crazy glue (either for my hands as Hillary suggested, or to repair the less-shattered things)
- A lesson or two on (un)break dancing
- A Kit-Kat
- 15 mins
- A jar of vitamins
- A rubber room
- A sign from the back of a bus: "Thanks for the Brake"
- A roll of "Fragile" stickers
- A new jar of Chili sauce (actually, I think I am done with the chili sauce for a while)
- A "mocha swirl" martini glass from Pier 1 Imports
- A night light
- A puppy

To Be Adored

I lack nothing, but I miss much; when so much is lost, so much is given. I still marvel at how the tangible can be replaced with that which is impalpable: peace, joy, comfort, love, hope.

I had forgotten until this weekend who I was, who I am, and who I am created to be. I fell asleep last fall knowing where I was, who I was, and where I was going; I woke up and everything had changed. All that I had known and planned for was irrevocably altered. I think back to that moment, when a hand was on my forehead and my emptiness was filled with comfort.

I still grieve. I will continue to grieve as I go from strength to strength. I grieve the love we shared and the plans we had. Most recently, I grieve because I am not alone. The emotions flood back, but this time, I feel the sadness through the wisdom and joy that I have had added unto me over almost a year now. My sense of "normal" is fluid: it ebbs and flows, and I am faced with a "new normal" again.

As I have tried in my own strength to rebuild all that I had lost, I have (by the grace of God) come a long way. The lessons learned are invaluable and I cannot take credit for what God has done inspite of me. So far, I have made it through birthdays, holidays, an anniversary, travelling alone, living alone, legal battles (two more to go...), and more losses. The healing process is constant but not predictable. I have another anniversary coming up.... Please pray for myself and Dave's family especially this month and September.

Since Dave's death, I have known God as more than Friend, Father, and King; I have known Him to be a Husband. For where I was once so adored by Dave, I am now acutely aware of how He has moved in so softly and so completely to adore me in Dave's place for which only He could be worthy.

"I set my face as flint before you now,

My life I recommit here as I bow,

I love it when you gently kiss my brow,

And whisper, 'it's all right'."

Like You - Rita Springer

I remember now. I have stopped running. I am waiting. Listening. I am learning every day what it is like to be adored. May I prove myself to be worthy.

El vino / Wine by Pablo Neruda

Esta es mi copa, ¿ves

brillar la sangre

detrás del filo del cristal?

Esta es mi copa, brindo

por la unidad

del vino,

por la luz desgranada,

por mi destino y por otros

destinos,

por lo que tuve y por lo que no

tuve,

y por la espada de color de sangre

que canta con la copa transparente.

Pablo Neruda, "Las manos del día"

This is my glass, you see

the blood

shinning behind the sharp edges of

the crystal?

This is my glass, I toast

for the unity

of the wine, for the dispersed light,

for my destiny and for other

destinies,

for what I had and for what I didn't

have,

and for the red-colored sword

that sings together with the

transparent glass.
(Translation by Jorge W Suazo)

Like a Bull in a China Shop

The events of this past week and a half begs the allegation: if it ain't broke, Karen hasn't touched it yet. Let me explain: It all started with a brand new jar of Heinz chili sauce; not even out of the grocery bag (thank goodness!). I guess I had set the bag down with a little less care than I should.

It may have been a day or two later when I opened my microwave door and a glass vitamin bottle that was perched atop somewhat precariously tumbled and shattered on the floor. Glass and vitamins everywhere.

I can't exactly be sure of the time that had passed until I was washing my dishes. I mean this to be from the time the last vitreous object fell victim to my blunderous hands; not necassarily the last time that the dishes were washed. One of my drinking glasses broke-- in my hands. In case you are concerned, my hands were just fine.

Lastly, (and I hope it is the last for while) I came home late Friday night and as I fumbled for the light switch, another explosion of glass fell at my feet. Sleepily, I may have said a word or two about one of my favourite martini glasses and then left it for morning.

With all of the glass that has been befallen my floor, it is no wonder that although I have swept and vacuumed (several times over), I am still getting little cuts on my feet when I don't wear my slippers!

Cute Hat

Cute Hat (May 11,2007 - July 16, 2007)

On July 16 during a race pace at a dragon boating practice,

Cute Hat met its untimely end into the trenchant waters of the

Fraser River. In its short time as Karen's possession, it travelled to Maui,

Stave Lake, Diez Vistas, Kent, WA., and kept Karen's hair out of her face

at numerous dragon boating practices, her first regatta, and convertibles.

It will be sadly missed by Karen and everyone else who

thought that it lived up to its name perched atop Karen's head.

Khaki and pink in colour, it will be succeeded but never

fully replaced.