I had forgotten until this weekend who I was, who I am, and who I am created to be. I fell asleep last fall knowing where I was, who I was, and where I was going; I woke up and everything had changed. All that I had known and planned for was irrevocably altered. I think back to that moment, when a hand was on my forehead and my emptiness was filled with comfort.
I still grieve. I will continue to grieve as I go from strength to strength. I grieve the love we shared and the plans we had. Most recently, I grieve because I am not alone. The emotions flood back, but this time, I feel the sadness through the wisdom and joy that I have had added unto me over almost a year now. My sense of "normal" is fluid: it ebbs and flows, and I am faced with a "new normal" again.
As I have tried in my own strength to rebuild all that I had lost, I have (by the grace of God) come a long way. The lessons learned are invaluable and I cannot take credit for what God has done inspite of me. So far, I have made it through birthdays, holidays, an anniversary, travelling alone, living alone, legal battles (two more to go...), and more losses. The healing process is constant but not predictable. I have another anniversary coming up.... Please pray for myself and Dave's family especially this month and September.
Since Dave's death, I have known God as more than Friend, Father, and King; I have known Him to be a Husband. For where I was once so adored by Dave, I am now acutely aware of how He has moved in so softly and so completely to adore me in Dave's place for which only He could be worthy.
"I set my face as flint before you now,
My life I recommit here as I bow,
I love it when you gently kiss my brow,
And whisper, 'it's all right'."
Like You - Rita Springer
I remember now. I have stopped running. I am waiting. Listening. I am learning every day what it is like to be adored. May I prove myself to be worthy.
5 comments:
Karen,
Thanks for being brave enough to write these words. Yes, this month and next month are going to be difficult.....I can't even imagine!I just know that I have allowed myself to feel the loss, the pain, the joy of having birthed such a special person into the world, to feel the incredible hole his physical presence has left....for when David loved, it was with his whole being. (((hugs)))
Karen,
I still think about Dave and pray for you. With the most recent loss of Rosanna's Nate, all the feelings from that time have come back again.
You are welcome back to Chez Fehr again any time! Maybe this time we can make food for you!
Take care. Love ya!
~C
Hey girl..well put! He sure was a special guy, and I'm so glad you got to love him for a few years! And I am also happy for your roses..hehe
Wow, this is a beautiful post. I don't really have much to say, because you seem so strong, so beautiful in your grief. Hopefully that doesn't come out wrong...I just want to encourage you (though I don't even know you!) because you are an inspiration.
I will pray for you, for this difficult time ahead. Blessings.
This really resonates with me...although I've never been married, I know what you mean about God being like a husband. I love the way that He delights in supporting and caring and providing...even graciously responding to those mini-crisis prayers about not being able to find keys when I'm running late!
I'm praying that God will bless you especially today, reminding you afresh that you are greatly loved.
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