Sometimes the things that at first seem to be the most benign, can turn out to be the antonym. And like a cancer it grows and it never just hurts the one with the problem. We make excuses, we justify, we ignore it, but soon (and what better time than now) it becomes unavoidable.
Sunday, I went to my old church in Edmonton. Pastor D delivered a message that angered me. I wished that I hadn't heard it not because I didn't agree with it, but because I did. It was about integrity, and how we live out what we believe so that we can live in the world, but not of it. I tried to ignore it, and the truth is that once one is reminded of what they believe, the lessons get tougher the more it is ignored. And now the pieces fall.
I am trying to understand who I am and who I have become. When the reset button was pressed and nothing was the same, I started building haphazardly and blindly. I forgot about the cornerstones and the blueprints. Now as I stand back, I don't recognize what I built and structurally it is not sound. It is hurting people as things fall.
Near death can make one feel invincible-- I have wanted to live carefree and escape the darkness of the fallout from the tragedy. So I have been running, making it look like dancing with a smile on my face and ignoring until my carefree turned into careless.
What now? In the wake of my errors, I can be thankful that I have been learned. I may not be able to fix or get back what I have lost, but I have a knowledge in my custody with which I must do something. And wisdom is what one does with knowledge. I am aware, and forbid that I miss this lesson.
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4 comments:
Karen, you are wise. You are. I'm glad your heart is soft enough to hear God speaking to youm and that your will is strong enough to do something about it! You will be ok.
This resonates with me...thank you for the honesty of this post, for the challenge it contains, and for this reminder:
"Wisdom is what one does with knowledge."
Karen, I haven't checked in with your blog for quite some time. It looks like you have been learning and growing. Thank you for the honesty of this post. After all that you have been through I am so glad to hear that you are willing to listen to God speaking to you.
You have no idea how much your story means to my life. You have given me the courage to get away from a cancerous situation and assert myself and gain back my integrity. Life is what you make it I see that now. My eyes are wide open and I'm walking away and thank you for MAKING ME stop ignoring what should never have gone unnoticed. You are a beautiful writer.
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